10 things Cardinals’ fans would have liked announced instead of the Oliver Marmol extension

Enjoy a laugh as Monday kicks our ass.

There are usually two sides to every argument. A sports team, their fanbase, and every move or transaction made is broken down into two sides sooner rather than later. One side calls the other stupid, and vice versa for seemingly days upon end. Anything having to do with the manager of a baseball team coming off their worst season in decades should be handled with extra care, because those two sides will be furious.

Last week, the St. Louis Cardinals handed Oliver Marmol a two-year extension, giving the young manager a safety net (and vote of public confidence) after a 91-loss season that pulled the rug out from under the fanbase and the team’s shaky playoff ambitions. The reaction to the extension was a general case of underwhelming acceptance that the status quo was filled, while others understood that it had to be done. You don’t want a guy walking into an open net, even if the boldness would have been refreshing.

Still, it’s not pleasing or reassuring. It’s like a bowl of the cereal your mom keeps getting you, even though the thrill has been gone for ages. Can Marmol get a decent amount better in late and close games as the team heads into a divisional battle that should be relentless all season long? There’s no time to completely rebuild, but can the guy make the kind of moves that add 3-5 wins instead of taking them away?

We shall see. Until then, let’s have some fun with ten things the rabid fanbase would have wanted to hear at the press conference. President of Baseball Operations, John Mozeliak-aka the polarizing messiah of Cardinal Nation-joked that fans would have liked to hear he was getting sacked along with Marmol. That would be funny and captivating, so let’s keep going with some humorous hypotheticals.

Top ten things that Cardinals fans would have liked to hear last week instead of Marmol getting an extension through 2026:

10. Matt Holliday is activating himself as a player/coach. He will join midseason, and help the team with their outfield woes while collecting some DH reps. It turns out the man has gotten better in the field through full-time coaching post retirement. He’s also just insanely ripped… still. Marmol should feel nervous, both literally and figuratively.

9. Jim Hayes is being promoted from field reporter to Mozeliak’s personal interviewer. After rigorous negotiations that includ exclusive rights to every single output of thought from Mo, “The Cat” who will get to know everything before everyone else, and that includes Mozeliak’s wife. Stunning.

8. 30 games of the regular season will be shown live on Netflix. Fans without a Netflix deal aren’t completely screwed. They can just ask that neighbor to open the blinds in their living room windows. It turns out Apple TV Plus was hunting small potatoes. Netflix games will include the option to have one of their original films play in a section of the screen if the baseball action becomes overly boring.

(FTR, fans would hate the above idea.)

7. Instead of using a position player to get those final three outs of a 16-2 beatdown that went south hours ago, the team will now permanently install Stubby Clapp in that position. He will enter the game from first base with a replay of his Pete Alonso takedown playing on the big screen. He may even collect a few outs. The crowd loves the guy. Once upon a time, he struck out on three pitches and received a standing ovation. True story.

Jeff Curry/USA Today Sports

6. Yadier Molina is returning to manage a portion of games, like around to or equal to 30. The Cardinals will be the first team to divide the manager responsibility between two players without someone being fired first. Marmol’s salary will remain the same, and Molina will receive less up front. All of Molina’s games will be shown on Netflix. He will receive a portion of the unannounced viewing statistics revenue. If Molina gets ejected in a dramatic fashion on those Netflix streamed games, he’ll receive a bonus instead of a fine.

5. With Mozeliak and Marmol being fired (in Mo’s scenario), Michael Girsch will now get to finally fulfill his dream as a general manager who actually does things. Girsch will be President of Baseball Operations in title, but would do all the GM stuff. After a long wait, Cards baseball is on Girsch time.

4. Jon Hamm is being named the new manager in a shocking move that sprints past audacious and stops just short of incendiary. Mozeliak had this to say about luring one of Hollywood’s most sought-after actors into a job that he is completely unqualified for:

“We feel after all the success Jon had showing up everything during the Blues’ Cup run and his various experiences as a crooked sheriff and alcoholic ad man, he was the man for the job. It’s like when we hired Mike (Matheny), but even wilder. After 35 minutes and a tour of our stadium, Jon quickly got dialed in as the man who would never tell me no.”

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Hamm had this to say about the move:

“It’s not as good as a Blues coaching job, but it’ll do. I will be wearing the lucky scarf in the dugout, even during 100-degree temperatures. John Slattery will join me in the dugout for a portion of games, and we’ll be drinking. He’ll be wearing a scarf too.”

3. Jordan Montgomery has been signed to pitch… for half a season. When asked about his unique contract, the starter said he liked St. Louis, but wasn’t a fan of the insanely hot temps. After careful consideration, he will pitch through the middle of July, and then reassess. Mozeliak hated the idea, but majority owner Bill DeWitt Jr. loved it because it meant putting less money into starting pitching. Mozeliak is hopeful about 2025 being the true full year of Montgomery in St. Louis.

2. Blake Snell almost signed here, but the deal went south after DeWitt Jr. and Mozeliak visited a snake charmer and hypnotist about which Snell would show up in 2024. The results were inconclusive, but the phrase, “Worse than Jaime,” was uttered during a premonition.

1. At the age of 79, Tony La Russa will manage again.

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