5 gripes I have with people, places, or things
No one is protected in this annoyance post. Read on if you can not get offended.
Certain things piss us off. What could slide down someone’s back with ease will get caught on another’s nerve-ending. I can be the nicest guy in the world and still gather a list of names-people, places, things-that drive me up a wall within seconds. Since this is the kind of safe place that can witness a good rant, even with some lost subscribers, let’s take aim at five of those packs of asshats.
First, slow dog walkers piss me off. The ones who seem to treat the space it takes to pass your backyard with the pace of an out-of-shape snail. They get halfway through before allowing their dog to sniff every single thing on the surface. If you’re in the backyard and an awkward, short conversation takes place, they’ll go even slower. All the while, your sweet yet feisty pit bull and gimpy but willing beagle stare on in a controlled stare. Part menace and part indifference, they agree with me in wanting the animal and their intrepid owner to pass as quickly as possible.
When this doesn’t happen, they lose their shit. I then lose my shit, and the collective mood is tossed into the air like that subpar salad you’ll eat tonight over a cheeseburger. Just keep walking. No one wants to talk to you, learn more about Fluffy’s shitting habits, or realize that three minutes escaped from your day due to a conversation that never had to happen. Yes, I can be an asshole. It comes on with age.
Second, the deliberately slow drivers still push a thorn into the tiniest entry point of my brain. These are the people who slow down in front of you with no one in front of them, take a few mph off before a turn signal disappears with you left at the light, or seemingly do anything to slow your day down. They can’t be missed because of their eye contact in the rearview mirror. They know you’re back there and wish to keep you there.
Why? Their mom didn’t cuddle them enough. The boss hates their guts, but not as bad as their kids and wife hate him. Going home would result in absolute war. Maybe they’re made because life took a shit on them. This pack of wild-eyed hollow drums are the same people who suddenly speed up and blow away once they get through a light. They’re the ones who allow a few feet between them at the car in front of them at a stoplight so the driver behind them has to block the intersection.
These people suck. Fast drivers and bad drivers are poisonous out there. Slow and ambivalent motorists are right behind them in that department. Old people make up most of this portion, unfortunately. You get mad, feel bad, and go back to feeling mad.
Third, the fast food workers who know people are at the counter waiting for an order or to place one, and decide to not look your way. They know you’re over there and your locked stare meets their wandering gaze only to produce the most pathetic look-off of the day. Without apology, if you’re a customer-facing employee, perk the fuck up. You don’t get to act like a recently rescued nomad. Smile, speak, and help.
For a few seconds, these (usually from McDonald’s) people forget that they’re fast food employees and take that promise away from the job. They forgot that the customer is the most important person on the planet for the entirety of their shift.
Please don’t tell me not to eat fast food. It’s a waste of words, breath, and fresh air. Your work is ambitious, but I am still a trash food whore. One day, the doc will ask for it to end and that will be that. Fast food won’t kill you any quicker than a truck, and most of the supposedly clean food you covet also stinks and can make you sick. That last part is half-bullshit, but I don’t care.
All I want is for the person making decent money to microwave burgers to show some more fortitude… or anything outside of lethargic reactions. Do better, or do the world a favor and quit.
Fourth, my body. The human body can be a better notification system than it’s been for centuries. Perhaps before shutting down all food entry to the intestines and colon, send out an alarm or scare tactic. When I’m jamming sweets and chips into my mouth less than 90 minutes following a meal, jerk my head back into the wall to get my attention. A queasy stomach shuts off all the fun. As I write this on my noon lunch, I have consumed a cup of coffee and a half with no food planned ahead.
Stomach issues hurt everything because coffee can’t come in for hours after taking the kids to the carpool five times. Food is a bad idea for the rest of the idea, so the energy level is right at the level of a disgruntled fast food employee. I have nothing but the urge to reach 3:30 PM and fall flat on my couch. Well, and finish this blog.
Last but not least, you overly negative souls. The truth is we are all negative in some fashion. It’s given at birth like a heart and brain: Cynicism that can sink the biggest ship. Walking into the sniper scope of corniness here, but those ships most likely contain hope and are running in short supply. One day, we’ll look back on these very chaotic times with our robot driver, and have a decent laugh about it. The negative ones will choose to snicker and snark.
Those people slow the world down the most. Killers and bad eggs make deletions and rob futures, but the overly down all the time crowd lets air out of everyone’s tires. A fine example to end this gripe-fueled rant is Donald Trump entering political office officially again in less than a month.
If you didn’t vote for him, that news may enrage you. To the people who did vote for him, this isn’t a launch at you. We all get freedom to make our choices, and that happens every four years in November. I put my written guns away on Trump supporters weeks ago, because that just feeds the negativity. As Joe Pesci told a saddened Robert De Niro in The Irishman, “it’s what it is.”
Having said that, try to be more positive. It may not feel right at first. Just keep at it.