5 Things I Know: Birthday shopping after 22 years together is hard work

Everything fit in my head to print, including a few movies I need to see.

Women aren’t easy to please when it comes to birthday gifts. Okay, they aren’t easy to please, period--nor should they be in the first place.

It’s not like they outright don’t like what you get them, or will think of you as a bad gift buyer after a couple duds. The idea is more like swishing a basket from 30-35 feet out with defenders in your face. Getting them something they want is paramount to success and happiness as a husband, and that’s not drawing a reaction that resembles someone seeing a brand new pair of socks.

In the 22 years of our relationship, surprising my wife isn’t as easy as it used to be. Getting her a new set of wine glasses is mandatory, but the gifts after that are harder to nail down. Choosing clothing is like walking through the Amazon without bug spray or a machete. In some way, shape or form, you’re fucked. If you guess wrong on a size, it could be a fatal “you’ll be the butt of jokes for a few months” flaw that doesn’t get corrected until the next round of gifts rolls in. You may just get slapped.

If you go with jewelry, especially if your wife doesn’t normally wear it, then it’s more like hitting a birdie shot from a decent amount away from the hole. Last year, I got her a Little Mermaid necklace and she wore it for a few weeks before the house technically declared it an orphan. My wife also argued it was meant for a child. I understand it’s a kid’s movie, but those themes age with us. But I get it. Those things are tiny and can be forgotten if placed in a certain spot. You’re reading the words of a guy who misplaces something every 6-8 hours.

At the end of the day, you want to get your man/woman/person a gift that they both like and are surprised by the thought rolling into your head. It could be a pivotal choice you made. At this point, she makes a list on Prime for me to shop around with during my hunt, but I can call audibles at the line of purchase just like Peyton Manning countlessly did at the line of scrimmage. Think of it as a “get out of gift block” jail card.

As is the case with most endeavors in life, you’ll win some and lose some. Due to my ample amount of gift-a-damn spirit, it’s good to get one in the basket with at least one of the gifts. Throwing a brick isn’t hazardous; you just have to hit one shot.

Something to show that I still know what she likes, and can surprise with a choice. No, a box of steak knives and keys to a brand new Mercedes aren’t possible, but a closer must close. I don’t think I’m alone in this mental jungle sprint; I’d love a spouse anonymous group to steal ideas.

After 22 years, I’ll take any help I can get. I’m a good husband and do all the right things-except for not falling asleep on the couch and spending enough time outside on the deck among the blood-sucking tiny shits-but there’s always room for improvement. It helps to have a woman that I still love like the next cup of coffee to aim to impress. It’s not supposed to easy; it’s the hard that makes it great.

-How much do I like the cold? I’m writing this part of the latest post on my phone in my wife’s car with the windows thoroughly cracked. Three of the five bay doors on the dock are closed because my supervisor hates the cooler weather, but I’m sitting here in a short sleeve shirt enjoying it. Heck, I rode to work this morning on a scooter while it was 46 degrees. That’s not “hold me with a warm blanket” type of chilly, but it’s far from harmless if one isn’t bundled properly.

The fall season is arguably the best, though. The temps are manageable, the layers are less, the bugs start to die, and evenings are enjoyed with a blanket on the feet. You’re not armpit soaked or outright sweating anymore, and have to mortgage three shirts to get through a warehouse shift. The mornings aren’t blasted with humidity, and the afternoons are rather pleasant. The rain decreases, and the sunshine without heat index scorching is available.

It’s quite nice to make the first delivery in the morning, and not feel the air sucked out of my lungs.

-What else is nice? St. Louis Blues’ home openers. The boys of the winter are back at it again, winning two of their first three. While I will admit to sitting in the territory of wondering who some of the new faces are, I’ll get there over the course of 82 games. Words on the internet may not spew out of this corner of Princeton Heights cyberspace at a high volume anymore, but they’ll make an appearance here and there.

While I pour a bucket of “shot from the hip” shit on Doug Armstrong at times, most of the time unfairly, he is a hungry and highly successful general manager who doesn’t stop trying to make his team better. After a recent podcast interview with Cam Janssen and Andy Strickland, I gained even more respect for how he works and the ability to see a transition begin motion.

Here’s the thing. If Jordan Kyrou and Robert Thomas do their thing and Jordan Binnington can hold down the fort, the Blues can reach the playoffs. They also need *more* formidable defense on occasion, and some output from their third and fourth lines. Other teams will learn to slow down your big guns; having ample depth is how you trudge through a long season and find success. Look at the 2018-19 team.

They had a fresh coach and Binner at his most raw greatness, but they had four lines that could kick the shit out of you. Lower line players like Ivan Barbashev and Pat Maroon. Those kinds of players add up when March gets here. Oh wait, that means bugs return and start wreaking their havoc. But still, be patient with these Blues and they’ll give back a reward. Unlike the team down the street, they have a plan and it’s been in motion.

-Part of the rigors of having a full-time job is finding time to screen movies towards the end of the year. There just isn’t enough time in the day when you start around 5 AM and get home by 4 PM, and the last of the hours before falling asleep have to be spread across tasks and personal time. A movie in an active house with six animals is a lot more to ask than one would assume, so it’s hard to shove a daily new flick into that mix.

All of this to say there are so many movies for me to consume that I actually want to see and consider for awards. The Substance looks like a “I’M BACK” Demi Moore performance, and does some weird body horror take on the whole body image debate. I don’t need to see Saturday Night Live after the lovely and talented Courtney Howard called it a good-looking waste of time. Jason Reitman is hit or miss.

I can’t wait to watch the new Superman documentary with Christopher Reeve’s real life story threaded through the making of and legacy of the original movie. Wild Robot and The Apprentice are also on the list, the latter being a young Donald Trump tale.

On the action side, I would like to see Dave Bautista take on every hitman in The Killer’s Game. He’s a hitman given a death sentence of a diagnosis, who then creates a hit on himself… only to find out from the doc that his scans and files were mixed up and he’s not dying. Give me some of that!

There are more flicks that have scooted past me that I need to catch up to before the major end-of-year rush begins, but that’s a worry for another evening.

-Last thing, and it’s the shortest part. Be nice to one another out there. Voting season is approaching, and hospitality is going out the window soon for many states and cities. It’s going to get real bad before it even approaches good, so do your small part to lean towards the positive. The important thing is that you vote, not that you allow your choice to become a weapon.

Decency is a currency that is self-generated, so let’s all do our part. That’s it. I have a date with a cheeseburger.