5 Things On My Mind: Appreciating the Zoe Saldana 'Lioness' showcase
Also, I finally watched the Payback director's cut and would like my hair to stop growing on top of my head. Let's dig in.
Count me among the group of people who wouldn’t like their hair to keep growing. If one day, the top of my head decided to go full Lex Luthor for the rest of my days, I’d be so enthused to dance the jig down Hampton Avenue. With that thought in mind and a few others, let’s get into the latest random assortment of opinions where you decide rather or not to jump over a paywall to see what’s in my head at this exact moment.
As my pal and film reporter/reviewer extraordinaire describes it in one of his paywall precursors, the Zevia soda and special anti-allergy pit bull food won’t pay for itself. Donate a few shekels and hop over the wall with me. Don’t waste it on coffee. I drank enough for the both of us.
1.) Please go away, hair!
For all my shaving friends, male or female, we know what the risks are with picking up a blade and dragging it across the skin. Few things drive me higher up a wall than spots and other random bumps on my neck, face, or head. If it doesn’t bother you, consider yourself enlightened. Walk outside and see if you can walk on water yet. For the rest of us who play Russian roulette with their skin irritations each day, keep on reading.
Every time I shave my head, the fear is that three days later a few bumps will suddenly appear. Think of them as tiny refugees who didn’t want to leave the ship. Imagine if the grass in your backyard suddenly wanted to remain buried in the ground. Every time this happens, my “ninja with a pair of tweezers” wife has to burrow another sharp object into my skin like the vets in movies who pull bullets out of the good guy’s body.
I’ve gone between using a three blade and a five blade razor. A straight razor would end up with me looking like Edward Scissorhands two months late. Due to having sensitive skin like an albino nomad, I wait 5-6 days between shaves. Doing it too much sooner results in more irritation. Using the massage-type device to shave my head caused 25% of my scalp to remain buried in my skull. Trust me when I say all the options have been tried short of asking Rambo for his big knife, or inquiring about Wolverine’s services.
I don’t want to grow hair either. I’d look like Dave Matthews if he couldn’t sing a lick, sporting a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. Screw that! I’d rather my hair just cease growing. I don’t have money for operations. What I do have are a very particular set of skills, the kind of skills that are a nightmare for all possible ingrown hairs out there. Sorry, I watched Taken last night so pardon me.
Basically, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for head-shavers like me. My head doesn’t look as clean, pretty, or devoid of bumps like all of those other former Ken dolls at the bars.
2.) The theatrical version of Payback versus the director’s cut
I was today’s years old when I realized there are two different versions of Brian Hedgeland’s Mel Gibson-vehicle lurking out there on Prime. While the original was released in 1999, Hedgeland’s cut finally saw the light of day in 2006. The former is more polished, entertaining, and funny than the latter. If you want a dry yet potent 70s thriller, go for the second cut.
For me, the theatrical takes the cake by a landslide. Instead of the poor dog getting shot and dying, the animal lives. Since enough dogs die in real life, we don’t need to see them shot on screen by Gregg fucking Henry. Secondly, Kris Kristofferson isn’t in the director’s cut, replaced by a female voice on a telephone. He had a wonderfully juicy role as the lead suit of the Chicago mafia who finds Gibson’s small-time thief to be a pesky mosquito on his arm.
Gibson’s narration is also missing in Hedgeland’s take. While the wordy movie instrument can be overused at times, it works perfectly tonally with the personality of the film. It doesn’t have to reveal plot points, but it can help us like and get closer to Gibson’s betrayed thief.
If you can’t bear to watch the guy since he used to be a loudmouth abuser who roasted Jewish people in an infamous rant, my sincere apologies. I don’t treat movie stars like politicians or lifesavers who have to be 100% morally just and perfect. They’re not my friends, and even some of those people have said and DONE worse than Gibson. If you hate him, keep scrolling. I can separate him from the characters he plays. He was a helluva action star/actor combo who enjoyed a nice run before his real life choices of speech tore his career down.
However, if you do despise him, Payback is the best kind of role. He may dish out beatings and fire bullets into many bad guys, but he also takes a beating. Lucy Lieu and her gang hit him with a car and nearly sliced his nuts off. A henchman bashes his toes into “roast beef,” like Kristofferson’s Bronson describes the torture. He gets punched, shot, kicked, and thrown around. He’s playing a cold, heartless abuser here, so turn up the heat if you’d like. Just watch the original.
3.) Searching for good sandwich bread
A battle between too healthy and too naughty, the hunt for the best protective coating for meat and cheese is a perilous journey into the human heart of resilience. Do you have the willpower to not select the softest, square white bread even with the knowledge that it’s the Caesar salad of sandwich breads? It’s tasty and not that good for you; the green parts help offset the fact that you packed the salad with as many ingredients as 95% of Mexican cuisine courses.
Multigrain was the choice this week. Not quite eight grain but far enough from the judgmental side of your conscience. You know, that voice in your head that bashes you all night long for eating poorly. Fuck you, pal! I got multigrain. It’s the Switzerland of sandwich breads. Add roast beef, a moderate without being heavy slather of mayo and Dijon mustard, some thinly sliced sweet peppers and green apple, and prepare for a sandwich that packs a punch.
Let’s call it the Matt Holliday of sandwiches. HOF may not exactly jive, but it’s a keeper.
4.) McDonalds at 10 p.m. with your old man
There we were, two tired guys watching Liam Neeson kick ass in France. My dad had eaten a big meal earlier and enjoyed a quart of black beans (“black bean soup” to him), but I was underwhelmed by my steak nachos. Look, you get nachos to go and it’s like rolling the white ball into the sea of black and red slots. 50/50 is your best split for quality. I also won’t name the St. Louis County favorite and mainstay because they’re local and don’t need one last minute dinner choice instance to bring them down.
The rebound was an unlikely decision that resulted in a little heartburn but did the job. McDonalds came to the rescue. The Big Mac continues to be an underrated fast food burger if you don’t go heavy on the sauce, and Door Dashed French fries made the two mile trip in Richmond Heights. Good sons alert their dads that an unexpected order is happening, to which the old man requested a double cheeseburger and vanilla shake.
NEWS ALERT! The McDonalds milkshake machine was actually working, and came through in a delivery order after 10 p.m. It felt like an accomplishment at the end of an odd couple weeks. Some days you have it. Other times, you really don’t have much at all. Action films and late night fast food go together like crab rangoon and fried rice.
5.) Lioness kicks ass thanks to Zoe Saldana and Taylor Sheridan writing
Give Paramount Plus’s daddy all the crap you want for putting himself into his own shows (he’s a credible actor, so it’s really fine), but he knows exactly how to write taut suspense and stage a relentless gun battle. The kind of back and forth metal terror session that elicits realistic gunfire and accuracy. If you remember Sicario’s brilliant gunfight, you get two of those types of scenes during the first three episodes of the series’ second season.
Sheridan can act and write and co-stars like Morgan Freeman and Nicole Kidman (not sipping milk here) don’t hurt, but this is Zoe Saldana’s show. She’s indelibly honest as the leader of a secret unit that takes on Grey Man-type missions that normal military units can’t work through legally. She goes from Guardians of the Galaxy draped in blue skin to a stoic mother of two and wife who has to go off to other countries to keep the country safe from attack.
Saldana is someone you’ll most likely notice and like but haven’t truly appreciated yet. She bares skin and soul here as a forever soldier who hates that she is so good and so addicted to the chaos of war. She makes you feel it. It’s an emphatic performance that stands with her much more celebrated film performance in Netflix’s Emilia Perez.
Bravo, Zoe. Goodnight, folks, and happy New Year!