5 Things On My Mind: Bourbon is a literal magic potion for adults
A couple sips and the anxiety falls to the ground like chess pieces.
Now I understand why those advertising executives in the Mad Men era burned through so much bourbon and scotch. They avoided beer and went for the good stuff. The stronger stuff. A caramelized-looking magic potion that takes all the stress and “I can’t” out of adulting situations.
Did you have a long day? Please feel free to take a sip.
Was it a terrible Monday? Take four.
My Monday workday was just fine, but there have been many days when I poured a finger or two into a glass from the closest bourbon bottle to my GPS. I sit on the couch, pet my pit bull, and ruminate about the past 12 hours and the next 24. Like James Marsden’s President in Hulu’s Paradise, who said before telling the world that it was ending, “It's like magic.”
For all the harmful drugs and vices out there that exist to tear good human beings to the ground and keep them there, a good old-fashioned glass of whiskey can do the trick. If you like a sweeter touch, try a scotch whiskey. Sip, don’t gulp. Remember that Jon Hamm and company were drinking caramel water on the show, and not the real thing. If they did, Christina Hendricks would have needed a baseball bat to keep them away.
She’s wicked hot, and the curves are her most outstanding feature. For all the men afraid of a woman with hips and some thunder behind her punch, they could use a lady like Hendricks to knock them straight. The lady, most known as Joan, continues to age like fine wine — just like my short, fiery Sicilian wife, who doesn’t mind me waxing poetically about women with curves.
Before I move on, the one bourbon I want to purchase and consume a whole bottle of is Blanton’s. Expensive and more rare than others, but smoother than silk on the lips. If you ever find an extra $140 laying around, let me know.
Welcome to Tuesday, friends. Let’s discuss a few other things as the work week continues to age, including some exciting Michael Mann-related news.
BRING ON THE HEAT
For those who saw my face on the homepage here and decided to scroll, fans of the 1995 classic Heat received some excellent news yesterday. Mann has turned in his script for Heat 2, the prequel/sequel to his legendary crime saga. He adapted his novel, a terrific one, that he wrote with Meg Gardiner a few years back. It’s a clever way to compose a follow-up, and I hope Warner Bros. does right by him by handing him a blank check.
Give the man the necessary runway to make another gem. It would make up for all the crap they’ve done wrong over the past few years: Deleting movies like Heat from their Max streaming service, releasing new movies in theaters and via streaming simultaneously, and scrapping completed films that people have been waiting for. Turning on the Heat for Mann is the least they can do after so many bad calls.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT MR. WINN
There’s no need to worry about the St. Louis Cardinals’ shortstop. He may be hitless, but that doesn’t mean baseballs aren’t jumping off his bat. When savvy fans learn something cool, like BABIP (batting average on balls in play), they’ll understand that luck plays a significant factor in the mood swings of a player’s bat during a long season. Winn hasn’t collected a hit yet, but he hit a baseball harder than any Cardinal last night that unfortunately found a glove. If that ball goes anywhere else, St. Louis wins that game.
That’s the “ball rolls funny for everyone” speech from Eddie Felson knocking on the door. A player can barrel a baseball perfectly and watch it go comfortably into a glove for an out. Like Willson Contreras, Winn will find his stroke and some luck along with it. He still saves runs with his Gold Glove-caliber defense at short.
By the way, those are the kind of losses a fan should be able to digest. The Cardinals fought until the last pitch. They lost because Rob Manfred implemented the most idiotic rule ever known to Major League Baseball, starting a runner at second base in extra innings. It’s a move that appeals to short-attention-spanned fans, but it looks increasingly unattractive by the year.
DRIVER PET PEEVE
Hey folks, there’s a lever next to your driving wheel that can be moved up or down. When doing so, it triggers a sensor that activates a light on the front of your vehicle, which blinks. Doing this allows oncoming drivers to have an idea of where you’re going next, which reduces accidents and the need for pain medication. In short, use your damn blinkers out there, please! Is it too hard to use a finger while holding the wheel to ignite the blinker?
Drivers can push the vertical pedal to the floor with ease, but moving that lever is like asking them to vote without making a speech. Impaired (or deficient) driving isn’t as simple as going slower or faster; it’s doing the little things that keep ordinary souls from suffering a Falling Down-type rage session. It all harkens back to people not wanting to listen to rules, because they’ve been doing that since coming out of the womb. Go to sleep! Go to work! Wake up! Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Please, with sugar on top, use your blinker. If not, Jason Statham will find you.
MY NEW FAVORITE MEXICAN DISH
The Alambre. The most authentic Mexican cuisine can be found at any of their restaurants. Unlike most places, the ingredients at Mexican restaurants aren’t different or switched up for increased customer output or satisfaction. Open one of their menus, and it consists of the same items, entrees, specials, and so on. Creativity isn’t required here, as it’s a fast food establishment with fresher options. You usually know what you’re getting before parking your car.
The Alambre is like taking a cup at the gas station and pushing every lever on the soda fountain machine, mixing all the flavors into one. Unlike that awful suicide beverage, this one is delicious. Steak, chicken, bacon, peppers, onions, jalapenos, rice, beans, and cheese all thrown together in a phone booth concoction. You’re eating pretty much the same thing as usual, just thrown into one container.