A beginner's guide to smoking and enjoying cannabis

I'm here to help you feel better without fearing the worst.

You know the feeling. The work day is over, the drive home is underway, and your brain is slowly unscrambling. The touch of a woman is needed, but not exactly dire. You're already thinking about the amount of time that sits between you and tomorrow's work shift. 

-What can be done? 

-What absolutely can't be accomplished? 

-Should I work out, eat, rest, drink, talk to someone? 

That's on my mind every day at the moment. Every weekday, I launch out of the 9th Street Garage a little after 5pm to exit drive, heading for Tucker Boulevard. For once, a street in St. Louis actually has cohesion with its lights, so I fly easily through Pine, Chestnut, Market, Walnut, Clark, Chouteau, and land at Lafayette. Hang a right, blow through Truman Parkway and 14th street, and head for I-44. 

Once there, I torch the half joint of cannabis that I have held in my hand for the past ten minutes, and begin to forget about every ounce of trouble in my day. Yeah, we're talking about cannabis now. Now is the time where all the endangered mothers from the Woodstock era can click out of this story, or learn something. 

First off, let's get the big deal out of the way. Among all the drugs available within conversation or transaction reach, Mary Jane is the least harmful. Please. All you'll get is paranoid or eat half the pantry. As the Doctor who prescribed my medical marijuana card told me: "If you overdose on most drugs, it can be bad. If you overdose on marijuana, you go to sleep." 

The important thing is to know what you're smoking. Sativa? Indica? Hybrid? The grass from behind your house or apartment mixed with cabbage? Maybe. Knowing why you're smoking is as simple as asking yourself what is coming to you in this interaction. If you're too stressed or get twisted up inside your head and need something to numb that anxiety, come on down. If you're wanting to use this as a stepping stone to something more dangerous, step down immediately. 

I don't believe in gateway drug talk generally, because a human being ingesting something dangerous without reading up on it or knowing anything about it is a WEAK MIND. Don't spread that reasoning around to everybody doing it or looking to do it. Again, the 60s mom raging against the hash machine can stick her ugly head up at any moment. If you know what you want out of cannabis, it can't harm you. 

What is best for you? That depends on a few things without hinging all of its bets on those very things. Sativa is for the extra boost of energy, creativity, and euphoria, right? Indica is the come-down parachute from stressful skies that can sedate someone. Hybrids combine elements of the two, giving you the KUNG PAO energy of the "S" and the "bring it on home to me" comfort descent of the "I." 

I like both a lot, inching my head towards Indica at the moment. There's nothing more cerebrally calming than a few puffs of OG Kush, which I consider the Lannister family of the cannabis culture. It may stab you in the back and bend the rules all the time, but it's so shiny and good you let it abuse you. Kosher Kush (the only strain to be blessed by a Rabbi) and Kimbo Kush (named after the late YouTube sensation turned MMA fighter) follow that method. 

The Bruce Banner strain, aptly defined as a Sativa hybrid, is one of my favorite all time cannabis strains. The jolt of creativity and good vibes hit first, and then the relaxing melodies filter in over the next 90 minutes. I have smoked over 50 different strains, easily. Maybe more. Every one of them has gotten me high, even if not all get me as high as I would like to be.

What have I found in the four years since I have smoked herb? It's better for me than alcohol, which gives you that bloated feeling after three beers and comes with a price if you go too hard. Also, cannabis is more consistent in its effects than alcohol. I don't sit around wondering what I should drink tonight. I just smoke and let the night guide me. 

When it comes to death tolls, who do you think kills more souls: Flower or beer?  The answer's already there, so don't think too hard. According to the NIAAA, 95,000 people die each year from alcohol-related accidents. Now, I am not trying to make my whiskey-sipping ladies feel bad? Just providing much-needed perspective, because I don't think enough people understand cannabis and what it can do and can't do. Here's the thing. It most likely--unless you do some crazy shit after smoking-won't kill you. 

When people are scared of something, it can be due to not completely understanding it. What would my advice be for someone starting out? Go to your local dispensary, even one that isn't a medical marijuana facility. Swade Cannabis is my favorite in town. Ask one of the Budtenders about the strains, and tell them it's your first one. Go for a percentage of 12-15 the first time, so the THC content (we'll get into that next time) doesn't overwhelm you. 

Make sure your evening or day is clear. Nobody can properly predict how someone will respond exactly to smoking weed, so give yourself a few hours to experience it properly. Trust me. Being rushed to a task after smoking a half gram of Banana Macaroon can make one feel like an undervalued press secretary taking a call in a wind tunnel. Go slow, be safe, and stay in your lane. 

Look, walking outside to talk to your neighbor on a whim can be fun, or it can be the unfortunate beginning of a future Netflix miniseries. Put on some music, because that connects with everything that's happening in your brain. The smoke enters the bloodstream, and it's off to the races. 

My general idea here: Educate yourself on cannabis, something that should be legal everywhere and not keep criminals in jail solely on account of having or smoking weed. It's fun, safer than you think, helps make new friends, brings you closer to your family, and won't kill you, 

What the fuck are you waiting for?