PSA for fireworks lovers: Dogs hate them!

Remember or read this before setting off that monstrous explosion tonight in the neighborhood.

I get it. Fireworks are cool. They’re loud and pretty, the perfect summertime escape that doesn’t include a gun or superheroes. It’s too bad your dog and pretty much every dog in the world hates them.

That’s right. Every time one of those things goes off, a dog feels like their world is under siege. I have three dogs, so there’s been plenty of research done before the hands hit the keys. To them, a few explosives carry all the warmth of thunder cracking across the sky. Instead of a weather disservice, it’s just a bunch of excited and overfed humans dropping miniature flares in the street.

Neighborhood firework crowds are the worst. Look, I understand that Americans are super pumped about today, the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Oh, the sweet taste and reputation of freedom. Yada, yada, yada, blah, fart, blah. Find another way to celebrate instead of lighting everything up. Go to a fireworks show in a designated location, and admire the wondrous elements of sparks and colors. Once again, very cool stuff.

Just know, all the dogs hate it. Dogs like yours, who will give you the “I’m alright” stare even though they absolutely hate life at the moment. Dogs like the one you ask the wife, husband, mom, dad or whoever if they can live in your house. Those dogs fucking hate this. They’d rather you sit in front of them, and eat bacon for one whole hour.

Heck, they would rather you play catch with a friend, right over them, using a stick of bacon. As much torture that would come from the one that got away (over and over again in their case), hearing fireworks is a whole lot worse. As Brad Pitt playing Billy Beane would say, “there’s fifty feet of crap, and then there’s setting off fireworks.”

That’s a dog’s mentality on July 4. There isn’t enough adrenaline in the world that can overcome a dog’s stress and fear level during fireworks. My beagle trembles, hides and just looks like someone who ate one plate of food too many at Ponderosa. Now, that happens when he gets into the pantry and eats half a loaf of bread, but that’s preventable.

The idea-that once a year, fireworks go off like crazy-is absurd. These things go on for days and even weeks after the holiday. All people need is a reason to do something. Wrapping it in patriotic clothing only enriches the endeavor. There was nothing explosive about the Declaration of Independence. A document was signed, drinks were made, food was eaten and fireworks were set off.

They were set off on that night of celebration, not all day and the week after. If you’re going to honor a holiday, do it right and set off the loud shit on one night only. Your dogs and every other dog in the neighborhood will appreciate the restraint.

Thanks for listening to my ted talk.