The Rant, Part Two: Clearing the mechanism
With vacation kicking off tonight, let's empty the tank and really try to offend someone.
This morning, I drove my soon-to-be 12-year-old son to his second week of sixth grade. For my longtime readers, if that doesn’t throw you for a loop… few things will. A brand new school (only five minutes from the elementary one) that combines middle and high school together. A fortress of learning and development, Vincent was about as happy to go this morning as he will be for the orthodontist tomorrow.
The time to rant has come. Think of this as the extended edition of the weekly Buffet; more of what you find there, which is a batch of whatever happens to be in my head. Unlike a DVD with special features or an extended cut that really sucks, these extras are the real deal. Breaking out the old bullet-point format, so brace yourselves for a little 2005 action. Big bricks of prose that aren’t AP style or standard journalistic practice. Please go elsewhere for that, because those hands get paid.
Blue Beetle opened in theaters last night. If that’s the first time you’ve heard the title of the latest Warner Brothers leftovers edition of the DC Extended Universe, don’t think you’re alone. The studio did little advertising and were handcuffed by the strike not allowing actors to promote new films and shows. However, they could have delayed the release, but that didn’t happen. That’s called James Gunn telling W.B. to let it die. My need to see it is unaffected by this situation. The lead actor was the most annoying part of Netflix’s Cobra Kai, and I am in a zone of superhero movie fatigue where I am being extra picky. Max streaming it is.
I finally made it around to finishing Triangle of Sadness, a Best Picture nominee from earlier this year that could call The Menu a cinematic cousin. Starring a cast of mostly unknowns (outside of Woody Harrelson), the movie centers around a bunch of very rich people going on a cruise. Without spoiling any other particulars, let’s just say some crazy shit happens and the hierarchy on that vessel is flipped when an island retreat strips away the idea of wealth dictating power. NEON did not miss on this one. Oscar worthy? Maybe. Watchable? Yes.
The Cardinals avoided a sweep at the hands of the equally disappointing New York Mets on Sunday, winning 7-3 to avoid complete embarrassment again. Paul Goldschmidt cracked his 20th home run, and Dakota Hudson continued his quiet yet steady 2023 renaissance. For all of his issues with putting guys on base, Hudson has a career 3.64 ERA in 72 starts. His last four starts have been what the team needs from a mid-to-lower rotation slot holder. Keep the team in the game, do your job, and don’t let the game blow up.
For once in my life, I had to tell people to lay off Pete Alonso. The “pretty big, strong” fella was genuinely sorry about tossing Masyn Winn’s first MLB hit into the stands. The guy stretched completely to snag an errant throw, and climbed back up to his feet a little out of it more than likely. He didn’t realize the kid had beat out the first of two infield hits this past weekend. Winn is exciting, Alonso is usually an asshat, and it’s a good thing field box folks can be good about returning baseballs. People just have a real need to be mad about something at all times of the day.
For instance, would it hurt for customer service employees at fast food restaurants to not look like World War III is beginning tomorrow? We’re all getting smacked around by the post-pandemic price hikes of literally everything. Sometime down the road, in the near future, you may have to pay for oxygen and bottles of water will cost as much as a pack of cigarettes. But let’s look like ugly doom rolled down our face before someone walks in to get a meal or pick something up. Perk up, or become a paid assassin for a living. I hear they work alone mostly.
Cardinals fans, or baseball ones in general, are just hard to please. They’ll say the team needs starters, but dismiss every possible fix. Earlier this summer, I wrote about the Cards acquiring Lance Lynn again. Disregard the no trade clause. He had the Dodgers on his no-go list, and ended up going there. The N.T. list is a mere negotiating tactic these days. Lynn has gone from being a struggling White Sox starter to a thriving Dodgers hurler. Being on a great team helps, but it’s just Lynn being comfortable and getting results. When I mentioned getting him, most of the responses were in disagreement. So picky. The Cardinals need starters who can give them a solid 5-7 innings. 8-9 innings would be fantastic, but baby steps are reality.
For all the pro-writer, pro-actor fist-pumping I provide on this blog, allow me to tell you I am appreciating the slowdown in release schedule. Movies not coming out at a strong clip will be just fine for consumers of the product. There is still a decent slate of films still up for release, but more than a few have already moved to 2024. All that means is that the rest of the year will be quieter than the past three nonstop award season schedules. Maybe, just an idea here, put more backbone into select films instead of shoving it all down our collective throat. Do something new. In the meantime, I’ll catch up on all the movies that skated past me.
Speaking of movies I need to watch, add Private Lives to the list. Paul Giamatti stars with Kathryn Hahn as a couple trying desperately to have a kid, only to hit every roadblock in the book. A nice plot and talented actors help, but hearing there’s a scene where Hahn vacuums with no clothes on from her waist down is reason enough to start it soon. Call me a Hahn pervert, but this also just comes off as maddeningly real to me. Something I could be doing in my house. Your house is your domain. It’s on Netflix. The movie, not me half-naked cleaning.
Twitter, or X as Elon Musk calls it these days, is indeed a giant joke. It hasn’t always been this wickedly nuts. He let the crazies run the factory, starting with giving a blue check mark to anyone who forks over $8 per month to his platform. Original tweets get lost in the mass exodus of ads, political rants packed with misinformation, and general white noise. But the reason it’s still a popular place is due to the information highway it provides. I can find instant news on sports and entertainment in one spot. Facebook is too personalized for that kind of internet info-collecting, but Twitter is definitely not. That’s why it’ll stick around for a bit. A couple advertisers and going public sure would help. But Elon will Elon--and you better believe that’s him making the calls. The woman he appointed is merely a Cards manager-type puppet available for hollow commenting. Musk is still in the chair.
I am sorry, huge fans of Are You There God? It’s Margaret, but the movie was just okay. Okay as in a fine, watchable and ultimately forgettable experience. A fine cast and earnest story don’t make a Best Picture hopeful. So, the young lady has to change schools and find new friends in the neighborhood, all the while awaiting the arrival of her period? The last thing really is the crutch of the third act, as it dominates the second half of the movie. There’s a bit of peer pressure in a group of girls who go to the school, as in whoever reaches that stage of womanhood first is better (or worse?) than the others.
Obviously, the subplot is meant to be symbolic for the lead character, played by Abby Ryder Fortson, and I get that the target audience is definitely not me--but the WOW factor was missed. Barbie had this same energy, but that transcended to all sexes and ages. Margaret’s narration-fueled chats with the man *supposedly* upstairs are humorous and well-written, but nothing I haven’t seen or heard before. The Edge of Seventeen (same writer/director) was better. 2.5/5. Launch your spears.
The same goes for the Woody Harrelson-led, feel-good sports tale called Champions. Released earlier this year to mild reviews and tempered enthusiasm. Harrelson reviving his White Men Can’t Jump past had me excited going in, but the result was another run-of-the-mill sports drama. The plot surrounding an estranged NBA coach taking over a team of humans with disabilities leads to plenty of easy jokes and tailored romantic subplots, but there’s no zing to anything. Even Harrelson looked bored for most of the movie, and the ending is written in stone before the one hour mark. Go completely filthy with the rating, or stay in the PG-13 comfort zone. But please, make the movie worthwhile. 2/5 cups of coffee. Anyone who knows me should understand that five cups of coffee is better than two.
It’s crazy that Tony Scott’s been dead 11 years, but his movies haven’t lost a beat. True Romance and Man on Fire play as sinister as they did decades ago, and Scott’s stamp on cinema shouldn’t erode anytime soon. He made wilder, lively, and more entertaining movies than his brother, Ridley. There was an emotional, nothing to lose current throughout them. As Denzel says in the revenge-laden 2004 movie, “I wish… we had more.”
Ron Cephas-Jones is well-known for his soulful portrayal of Sterling K. Brown’s father on the now retired NBC hit show, This Is Us. But he was also a great bad guy in Banshee, playing a Philadelphia mobster who takes Ulrich Thomsen’s Amish gangster way too lightly. Cephas-Jones had a voice that belonged in the James Earl Jones/Morgan Freeman category of gravitas. He died this past weekend at 66 to a pulmonary disease that lingered on and got him. A fine actor left too soon. Yes, 66 is too soon!
For all the people bashing Tony La Russa’s appearance this weekend at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony, think twice. He does look a lot rougher than he did last year when he abruptly stopped managing the White Sox due to a health problem. That particular issue wasn’t a light one. A pacemaker had to be put in his heart, and then he battled cancer. To me, he looks terrific for a guy who has been through that.
That’s all. Have a good week. Be kind and safe; you get to determine the order.