Top 10 things Tommy Pham is mad about right now

Excluding the fantasy football champ, Mike Trout.

Ladies and gents, do you know where the largest chip in the world is located? Tommy Pham’s shoulder, that’s where.

Maybe it’s the fact that he survived a stabbing, running backwards on a treadmill, or spent the first chunk of his professional playing career marred by injury. It could be a combination of other elements and matters that turned Pham into Major League Baseball’s version of the Hulk.

As Will Ferrell cried out about an over-angry Mark Wahlberg in Adam McKay’s “The Other Guys,” Pham is so angry all the time. It could be trash talk from a former teammate, a failed fantasy football roster, or just the rigors of professional athleticism cutting into the former St. Louis Cardinal’s head.

Pham is 34 years old, but he whines and complains like a 64-year-old politician--or the very angry dad whose kid didn’t get picked during kickball. All he’s doing is taking any attention away from his own ability and his team, which is currently the Cincinnati Reds. The cellar-hugging N.L. Central team doesn’t have a real prayer for the playoffs, but lately all the talk about them has been Pham’s slap.

Yes, he slapped Giants’ outfielder Joc Pederson, which was reportedly the result of a GIF that the former San Diego Padre (and teammate of Pham’s on that team) sent in a group chat to his former teammates. That caused Tommy to walk up before a game and slap Joc, while also sending shade Trout’s way as well.

To Pham, everybody in the world is to blame for his trials and tribulations. The fans, or the people, must have fucked with his lower body for the first 5 years of his playing career, cutting holes and slits into the hamstring and knee of our Pham voodoo doll. The grimace of a man has it out for all of us, not the misfortune he’s found in his career.

Pham’s 2022 isn’t awful by any stretch. In 150 at-bats, he has five home runs and six doubles to go along with a .708 OPS. He’s making $6 million this year with the Reds, so there’s still time to sort the season out and produce a decent Wins Above Replacement (WAR) mark. If only he could drop the 150 grudges.

Why is Pham so angry? He’s making six million dollars to play baseball--that is when he’s not slapping other players over trash talk and fantasy football. He’s made a nice sum of money playing baseball, despite his injuries, both on and off the field. For a guy playing with one real working eye, he’s not as prolific as the one-eyed Michael Bisping, but he’s done well.

Cincinnati Enquirer

Why so serious, Mr. Pham? Since the anger seems to be rolling, let’s look at ten quick things that could incite a Pham anger binge.

10) After pulling through McDonalds and being told repeatedly by friends that the burger didn’t match the picture on the menu, Tommy ordered a single cheeseburger and realized it was a flattened, microwaved, and endangered excuse for a burger. He lost his mind and tagged the fast food stop on Twitter in a furious rant.

9) He woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the one that didn’t have his perfectly made eggs and skittles-padded flip flops.

8) He thinks Amber Heard is guilty, but also thinks the last three “Pirates” movies were shit, so Depp doesn’t get off easy with T-Pham either.

7) The Pham slap didn’t get as much press as the Will Smith slap at the Oscars.

6) The “Downton Abbey” sequel didn’t deliver. It was only later that Pham realized he had turned on “Spencer” instead. Diana who?

5) He’s been eating frozen vegetables for a decade. Frozen veggies suck.

4) Pham is still confused on why he can’t contact and give a pep talk to the underperforming NFL players on his “fantasy” football team.

3) Betty White died, and Tommy is still sick over it.

2) The infamous chili at Great American Ballpark actually isn’t that great, and Pham got the shits five times after repeatedly trying the best (yet also awful) chili in Ohio. (Or so Joc told him.)

1) Joey Votto doesn’t let Pham tag along in his Uber rides, because all Joey wants to do is talk about how he beat Albert Pujols out for MVP one year.

We all have our shit days and stressed out weeks, but also find a way to push it all down and act like we have answers. All Tommy Pham is doing with his constant tantrums-save me his personal life BS-is take away from the game he’s paid to play.

Remember Tommy, it’s just fantasy football. Not actual leagues or games.